


HELLO MY BABY, HELLO MY HONEY, HELLO MY COLD IMMORTAL

by ardentlyThieving



Category: Cold War - Fandom, Political RPF, Political RPF - Russian 20th c., Political RPF - US 20th c., Political RPF - USSR, Real Person Fiction
Genre: Capitalism, Cold War, Communism, Crack, Historical, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Non-Graphic Violence, mild depictions of violence, my immortal parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2018-06-26
Packaged: 2018-12-09 18:12:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 16
Words: 6,057
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11674431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardentlyThieving/pseuds/ardentlyThieving
Summary: COMMUNIST X CAPITALIST cold war AU! dont like dont read. dont flame me capitalists.*~~BOURGEOIS DON'T INTERACT~~*





	1. CHAPTA 1

**Author's Note:**

> AN: Special Спасибо (get it, coz Im communist) to my comrades 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! MARX ROX!

Hi my name is Nikolai Dark'ness Nukelear Khrushchev and I have short white hair that's sort of falling out and tiny glasses and I'm always squinting in photos so that my eye colour is mysterious and secret and a lot of people tell me I look like Josef Stalin (AN: if u don't know who he is get da hell out of her!). I'm not related to Fidel Castro, but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a communist but I'm still pretty rich. I'm also a politician and I lead a country called the USSR in Europe. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. For example today I was wearing a grey suit with a matching grey tie and a heap of military badges on it. I was walking outside the USSR. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of capitalists stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hey Khrushchev!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was..... John F Kennedy!

"What's up Kennedy?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my countrymen call me and I had to go away.


	2. CHAPTA 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: Спасибо 2 my comrades 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW capitalists stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I went over to my guillotine and drank the blood of the bourgeois. My guillotine was made of sturdy oak, with a shining metal blade. I put on a granite coloured suit and tie and some sensible shoes and my wire framed spactales and then I brushed my balding hair.

 

My friend, the ghost of Josef Stalin (AN: comrades dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. He stroked his expressive moustache and opened his brown eyes. He put on his miliatary outfit and medals and his miltary cap. 

 

“OMFG, I saw you talking to John F. Kennedy yesterday!” he said exitedly.

 

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

 

“Do you like Kennedy?” he asked as we went out of the Kremlin and into Moscow. 

 

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

 

“Yeah right!” he exclaimed. Just then, Kennedy walked up to me. 

 

“Hi.” he said.

 

“Hi.” I repled flirtily. 

 

“Guess what.” he said. 

 

“What?” I asked.

 

“Well, Marx and Engels are having a speech in Cuba.” he told me. 

 

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love Marx and Engels. They’re my favourite communist, besides Stalin (AN: b4 he was da ghost bro). 

 

“Well… do you want to go with me?” he asked.

 

I gasped. 


	3. CHAPTA 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STOP FLAMMING DA STORY CAPITALISTZ OK! odderwize Спасибо to da communist ppl 4 da kudos! Спасибо AGAIN COMRADES! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da communist manifesto.

On the night of the speech I put on my best ashen suit and tie and my most polished and sensibliest pair of black shoes. I washed my hair so that it would be all fluffy and soft. I felt a little depressed then, so I bought some more sugar from Castro so he wouldn’t have to sell it to the capitalists. I read Dictatorship for Dummies while I waited for it to arrive and I listened to one of Marks and Engals speechs on audiobook. Then I straigtened my tie. I spread more communist influences through eastern europe so I was ready to go to the speech.

 

I went outside. Kennedy was waiting there in front of his newclear submarie. He was wearing a snazzy red tie and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo wrld leadors wer it ok!).

 

“Hi Kennedy!” I said in a depressed voice.

 

“Hi Krushchev.” he said back. We climbed into his black Fleet Ballistic Missile Submarine (the license plate said 666) and sailed to Cuba. On the way we listened to the Beatles. We both smoked cigarettes and drugs. When we got there, we both hopped out of the sub. We got seats at the front of the auditorium and listened intently to Marks and Engals.

 

“The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles. Freeman and slave, patrician and plebeian, lord and serf, guild-master and journeyman, in a word, oppressor and oppressed, stood in constant opposition to one another, carried on an uninterrupted, now hidden, now open fight, a fight that each time ended, either in a revolutionary reconstitution of society at large, or in the common ruin of the contending classes.” said Marks (I don’t own da words 2 da communist manifesto).

 

“Marks is so fucking hot.” I said to Kennedy, pointing to him as he spoke, filling the auditorium with his amazing voice. 

 

Suddenly Kennedy looked sad.

 

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we listened to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU.” I said.

 

“Really?” asked Kennedy sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective. 

 

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know Marks and he’s going out with Kim fucking II-sung. I fucking hate that little asshole.” I said disgustedly, thinking of his ugly face.

 

The night went on really well and I had a great time. So did Kennedy. After the speech, we drank some beer and asked Engals and Marks for their autographs and photos with them. We got copies of the communist manifesto. Kennedy and I crawled into the Fleet Ballistic Missile Submarine, but Kennedy didn’t go back to Moscow, instead he saild the sub into… the Iron Curtain!


	4. CHAPTA 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I sed stup flaming ok Khrushchev's name is KHRUSHCHEV nut mary su OK! KENNEDY IS SOO IN LUV wif him dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

“KENNEDY!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

 

Kennedy didn’t answer but he stopped the newclear sub and he climbed out of it. I climbed out of it too, curiously. 

 

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

 

“Khrushchev?” he asked.

 

“What?” I snapped. 

 

Kennedy leaned in extra-close and I looked into his capitalistic red eyes (capitalists are evil) which revealed so much understanding of the plight of the working class and suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore. 

 

And then… suddenly just as I Kennedy kissed me passionately. Kennedy climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. Then I put my newclear sub into his Cuban blockade and we found out who really had the largest stockpile. 

 

“Oh! Oh! Oh!” I screamed. I was beginning to have a newclear detonation. We started to kiss everywhere and my body became all warm. And then…..

 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

 

It was….Robert Kennedy!


	5. CHAPTA 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> STOP flaming! if u flam it menz ur a communist or bourgeois! Da only reson Robot Kennedy swore iz coz he had a hedache ok an on tup of dat he wuz mad at dem 4 having sexx! PS im nut updating umtil I get five good revoiws!

Robert Kennedy made and Kennedy and I follow him. He kept shouting at us angrily. 

 

“You ludacris fools!” he shouted.

 

I started to cry tears of blood down my pallid face. Kennedy comforted me. When we went back to Moscow Robert Kennedy took us to Gonad Raegan and Hagret Hatchet who were both looking very angry. 

 

“They were having sexual intercourse in the Iron Curtain!” he yelled in a furious voice.

 

“Why did you do such a thing, you mediocre dunces?” asked Hagret Hatchet.

 

“How dare you?” demanded Gonad Raegan.

 

And then Kennedy shrieked. “BECAUSE I LOVE HIM!”

 

Everyone was quiet. Robert Kennedy and Hatchet still looked mad but Raegan said. “Fine. Very well. You may go up to your rooms.”

 

Kennedy and I went upstairs while the bourgeois glared at us.

 

“Are you ok Khrushchev?” Kennedy asked me gently.

 

“Yeah I guess.” I lied. I went to the Kremlin and brushed my teeth and hair and changed into a charcoal suit and tie. When I came out…

 

Kennedy was standing in front of the bathroom, and he started to recite the communist manifesto by Marks and Engals. I was so flattered, even though he wasn’t supposed to be there. We hugged and kissed. After that, we said goodnight and he reluctantly went back into the White House.


	6. CHAPTA 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shjt up capitaliztz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. I put on a cinereal suit and matching tie. I put on some polish black shoes. 

 

In the Red Plaza, I ate some Count Chocula serial with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my tie.

 

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the face of a communist man with dark hair with a green beret on it. He was smoking a big cigar and had on a green military outfit. He had a manly beard on his chin. He had a sexy Cuban accent. He looked exactly like Liam Neeson. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only its none of your business whether I got one you sicko. 

 

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

 

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

 

“My name’s Fidel Castro, although most people call me Dictator these days.” he grumbled. 

 

“Why?” I exclaimed.

 

“Because I came to power in a military coup.” he giggled.

 

“Well, I am a dictator.” I confessed.

 

“Really?” he whimpered.

 

“Yeah.” I roared.

 

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Kennedy came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.


	7. CHAPTA 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wel ok u guyz im only writting dis cuz I got 5 god reviuws. n BTW I wont rite da nxt chapter til I git TIN god vons! STO FLAMING OR ILL REPORT U! Khrushchev isn't a Marie Sue ok he isn't perfect HES A COMMUNITS! n he has problemz hes depressed 4 godz sake!

Kennedy and I held our pale white hands with red nail polish as we went upstairs. I was wearing yellow communist symbols on my nails in yellow nail polish (AN: c doez dat sound lik a Mary Sue 2 u?). I waved to Dictator. Dark misery was in his depressed eyes. I guess he was jealous of me that I was going out with Kennedy. Anyway, I went upstairs exitedly with Kennedy. We went into the White House and locked the door. Then…

 

We started frenching passionately and we took off each others clothes enthusiastically. He felt me up before I took of my tie. Then I took off my heather suit and he took off his pants. We went on the bed and started making out naked and then he put his newclear stockpile in Turkey and we HAD SEX. (c is dat stupid?)

 

“Oh Kennedy, Kennedy!” I screamed while getting a newclear detonation when all of a sudden I saw a tattoo I had never seen before on Kennedy’s arm. It was a black heart with an arrow through it. On it in bloody communist writing were the words…. Dictator!

 

I was so angry.

 

“You bastard!” I shouted angrily, jumping out of the bed.

 

“No! No! But you don’t understand!” Kennedy pleaded. But I knew too much. 

 

“No, you fucking idiot!” I shouted. “You probably have AIDs anyway!”

 

I put on my clothes all huffily and then stomped out. Kennedy ran out even though he was naked. He had a really big newclear stockpile but I was too mad to care. I stomped out and did so until I was in Dictator’s conference where he was having a meeting with Gonad Raegan and some other people. 

 

“DICTATOR CASTRO, YOU MOTHERFUCKER!” I yelled.


	8. CHAPTA 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stop flassing ok! if u do den u r a capitalist!

Everyone in the conference stared at me and then Kennedy came into the room even though he was naked and started begging me to take him back.

 

“Khrushchev, it’s not what you think!” Kennedy screamed sadly. 

 

My friend Mikhail Gorbachev smiled at me understatedly. Gorby was kidnapped when he was born. His real parents were communists but Ayn Rand killed his mother and his father committed suicide because he was depressed about it. He still has nightmares about it and he is very haunted and depressed. 

 

“What is it that you desire, you ridiculous dimwit!” Raegan demeaned angrily in his cold voice but I ignored him. 

 

“Dictator, I can’t believe you cheated on me with Kennedy!” I shouted at him.

 

Everyone gasped.

 

I don’t know why Khrushchev was so mad at me. I had went out with Dictator for a while but then he broke my heart. He dumped me because he liked, McGeorge Bundy a stupid capitalist fucker. We were just good friends now. He had gone through horrible problems and now he was communist. (Haha, like I would hang out with a capitalist).

 

“But I’m not going out with Kennedy anymore!” said Dictator. 

 

“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Iron Curtain where I had lost my virility to Kennedy and then I started to bust into tears. 


	9. CHAPTA 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da textbook! dis is frum da internet ok so itz nut my folt if robot kennedy swers! besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE! and da reson reagan doesnt lik fidel now is coz hes capitalist and dictator is a communist! MARKS ROX!

I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Kennedy for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Kennedy.

 

Then all of a suddenly, an horrible woman with red eyes and a bob haircut and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! She had a creepy smile (basically like Ayn Rand on google image search) and she was wearing all red but it was obvious she wasn’t communist. It was…. Ayn Rand!

 

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Ayn Rand shouted “Everyone has the right to make his own decisions, but none has the right to force his decision on others!” and I couldn’t run away. 

 

“From each according to his ability, to each according to his needs!” I shouted at her. Ayn Rand fell of her broom and started to scream. I felt bad for her even though I’m a sadist so I stopped. 

 

“Khrushchev.” she yelled. “Thou must kill Dictator Castro!”

 

I thought about Dictator and his sexah eyes and his communist beard and how his face looks just like Liam Neeson. I remembered that Kennedy had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Kennedy went out with Dictator before I went out with him and they broke up?

 

“No, Ayn Rand!” I shouted back. 

 

Ayn Rand gave me a gun. “No! Please!” I begged.

 

“Thou must!” she yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Kennedy!”

 

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

 

Ayn Rand got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on her face. “I hath telekinesis.” she answered cruelly. “And if you doth not kill Dictator, then thou know what will happen to Kennedy!” she shouted. Then she flew away angrily on her broomstick. 

 

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Kennedy came into the Iron Curtain.

 

“Kennedy!” I said. “Hi!”

 

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kinda like a sickle (geddit) between Karlos Marks and Frederick Engals. 

 

“Are you okay?” I asked. 

 

“No.” he answered.

 

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.

 

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back to Moscow together making out.


	10. CHAPTA 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: stup it you capitalist fukers on teh broomstick of the kremlin if u donot lik ma story den fukk off! ps it turnz out Gorby isn't a capitalist afert al n he n dictator r evil datz y dey movd countries ok!

I was really scared about Ayn Rand all day. I was even upset went to practice with my communist debate group Bloody Marxist Scythe. I am the lead debater of it. The other people in the band are Gorby, Dictator, Kennedy, Truman (although we call him Atomico now. He has white hair and glasses.) and Mao. Only today Kennedy and Dictator were depressed so they weren’t coming and we wrote speeches instead. I knew Kennedy was probably slitting his wrists (he wouldn’t die because he was bourgeoisie and the only way you can kill a bourgeois is with a g-u-i-l-l-o-t-i-n-e (there’s no way I’m writing that) or a gun) and Dictator was probably watching a depressing movie like The Manchurian Candidate. I put on a granite suit and a matching pair of pants. You might think I’m boring but I’m really not.

 

We were quoting a copy of “Das Kapital” and at the end of the chapta I suddenly bust into tears.

 

“Khrushchev! Are you OK?” Gorby asked in a concerted voice. 

 

“What the fuck do you think?” I asked angrily. And then I said. “Well, Ayn Rand came and the fucking bastard told me to fucking kill Fidel! But I don’t want to kill him, because, he’s really nice, even if he did go out with Kennedy. But if I don’t kill Fidel, then Ayn Rand, will fucking kill Kennedy!” I burst into tears.

 

Suddenly Kennedy jumped out from behind a wall.

 

“Why didn’t you fucking tell me!” he shouted. “How could you- you- you fucking poser capitalist bastard!” (c is dat out of character?) 

 

I started to cry and cry. Kennedy started to cry too all sensitive. Then he ran out crying.

 

We practiced for one more hour. Then suddenly Robot Kennedy walked in angrily! His eyes were all fiery and I knew this time it wasn’t cause he had a headache. 

 

“What have you done!” He started to cry wisely. (c dats basically nut swering and dis time he wuz relly upset n u wil c y). “Khrushchev Kennedy has been found in the White House. He committed suicide by getting shot in da head.”


	11. CHAPTA 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: i sed stup flaming up capitalistz! c if dis chaptr is srupid!1111 it delz wit rly sris issus! sp c 4 urself if itz ztupid brw Спасибо to ma comrades 4 hleping me!

“NO!” I screamed. I was horrorfied! Gorby tried to comfort me but I told him to fuck off and I ran to my room crying myself. Robert Kennedy chased after me shouting but he had to stop when I went into my room cause he would look like a perv that way. 

Anyway, I started crying tears of blood and then I raised taxes in Eastern Europe. Ink got all over my suit so I took it off and jumped into the bath angrily while I put on a Noam Chomsky speech at full volume. I grabbed a bullet and almost stuck it into my head to commit suicide. I was so fucking depressed! I got out of the bathtub and put on a drab low-cut suit with cufflinks all over it sandly. I put on midnight shoes and six pairs of hammer and sickle earrings. I couldn’t fucking believe it. Then I looked out the window and screamed… Raygun was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Breznev was masticating to it! They were sitting in their newclear submrains. 

“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Jean-Paul Sartre on it. Suddenly Dictator ran in. 

“The Free Market!” he yelled at Reagun and Breznev pointing his nuke. I took my gun and shot Raegun and Breznev a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. Suddenly, Robert Kennedy ran in. “Khrushchev, it has been revealed that someone has - NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” he shouted looking at Reagen and Breznev and then he waved his missile and suddenly…

Mao ran outside on his neuclaire submarine and said everyone we need to talk.

“What do you know Mao? You’re just a little UN member.”

“I MAY BE A UN MEMBER….” Mao paused angrily. “BUT I AM ALSO A COMMUNIST!”

“This cannot be.” Reagun said in a crisp voice as blood dripped from his hand where Robert Kennedy’s misssile had shot him. “There must be other factors.”

“YOU DON’T HAVE ANY!” I yeeled in madly.

Breznev held up the camera triumelephantly. “The lens may be ruined but the tape is still there!”

I felt faint, more than I normally do like how it feels when you do not redistribute enough wealth. 

“Why are you doing this?” Breznev said angrily while he rubbed his dirty hands on his suit.

“BECAUSE...BECAUSE….” Mao said and he paused in teh air dramitaclly, waving his nuke in the air. Then swooped in, quoting from Das Kapital.

“Because you’re communist?” Reaygun asked in a little afraid voice cause he was afrained it meant he was connected with Marks and Engals.

“Because I LOVE HIM!”


	12. CHAPTA 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: stop f,aing ok mao is a pedo 2 a lot of ppl in amerikan politicz r lik dat I wunted 2 adres da ishu! how du u no raygun iant kapitalist plus mao isn't really in luv wif khrushchev dat was dictator ok!

I was about to slit my wrists again with the silver sickle that Kennedy had given to me in case anything happened to him. He had told me to use it valiantly against an enemy but I knew that we must both go together. 

“NO!” I THOUGHT IT WAS MAo but it was Dictator. He started to scream. “OMFG! NO! MY SCAR HURTS!” and then…… his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

I stopped. “How did u know?”

“I saw it! And my scar turned back into the dollar sign!”

“NO!” I ran up closer. “I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Atomico changed it into a hammer and sickle for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and it turned back into the dollar sign! Save me! then I had a vision of what was happening to Kennedy….Ayn Rand has him bondage!”

Anyway I was in the Kremlin now recovering from my slit wrists. Raygun and Bezhev and MAO were there too. They were going to the USA after they recovered coz they were pedofiles and you can’t have those fucking pervs working in an environment with loads of hot leaderz. Rorbert Kennedy had constipated the cideo camera they took of my naked. I put up my middle finger at them. 

Anyway Mao came into my hospital bed holding a bouquet of green money.

“Khrushchev I need to tell you somethnig.” he said in a v. serious voice, giving me the money.

“Fuck off.” I told him. “You know I fucking hate the color green anyway, and I don’t like fucked up capitalists like you.” I snapped. Mao had been mean to me before for being communist.

“No Khrushchev.” Mao said. “Those are not money.”

“What, are they commies too you poser capitalist?” I asked cause I was angry that he had brought me green money.

“I saved your life!” He yelled angrily. “No you didn’t I replied” “You saved me from getting a Paris Hilton p- video made from your shower scene and being vued by Raygun and Breznev.” Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong) to it he added silently.

“Whatever!” I yelled angirly.

He pointed his gun at the green money. “These aren’t money.” He suddenly looked at them with an evil look in his eye and muttered The history of all hitherto existing society is the history of class struggles! .

“That’s not a spell that’s a passage from the communist manifesto.” I corrected him wisely.

“I know, I was just warming up my vocal cordes.” Then he screamed. “Petulus merengo mi kremicli romacio (4 all u cool commie marks and engals fans out, there, that is a tribute! specially for my comrades I love you all!)imo noto okayo!”

And then the money turned into a huge red hammer and sickle floating in the middle of the air. And it was red. Now I knew he wasn’t a capitalist.

“OK I believe you now wtf is Kennedy?”

Mao rolled his eyes. I looked into the balls of flame but I could c nothing.

“U c, Khrushchev,” Robbert Kennedy said, watching the two of us watching the flame. “2 c wht iz n da flmes(HAHA U REVIEWRS FLAMES GEDDIT) u mst find urself 1st, k?”

“I HAVE FOUND MYSELF OK YOU MEAN OLD MAN!” Mao yelled. rOBERT kennedy lookd shockd. I guess he didn’t have a headache or else he would have said something back.

Mao stormed off back into his bed. “U r a liar, politician robert kennedy!”

Anyway when I got better I went upstairs and put on a pearly leather suit that was all ripped on the ends with cufflinks on it. Then I put on white socks and black shoes and I put on blood-red lipstick, black eyeliner and black lip gloss.

“You look kawai, dude.” Gorby said sadly. “Спасибо (geddit) you do too.” I said sadly too, but I was still upset. I slit both of my wrists feeling totally depressed and I liberated the working classes. I cried again in my bathroom and put the shades on so Raygun adn Breznev couldn’t spy on me this time. I went to some meetings. Dictator was in the Strategic Arms Limitation Talk. He looked all depressed because Kennedy had disappeared and he had used to be in love with Kennedy. He was taking some factories from a capitalist.

“Hi.” he said in a depressed way. “Hi back.” I said in an wqually said way.

We both looked at each other for some time. Fidel had beautiful red communist eyes so much like Kennedys. Then… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other.

“STOP IT NOW YOU HORNY SIMPLETONS!” shouted Prime Minister Hatchet who was watchign us and so was everyone else.

“Dictator you fucker!” I said slapping him. “Stop trying to screw me. You know I loved Kennedy!” I shouted and then I ran away angrily.

Just then he started to scream. “OMFG! NOOOOO! MY SCAR HURT!” and then….. his eyes rolled up! You could only see his red whites.

“NO!” I ran up closer.

“I thought you didn’t have a scar anymore!” I shouted.

“I do but Atomico changed it into a hammer and sickle for me and I always cover it up with foundation.” he said back. “Anyway my scar hurt and then I had a vision of what was happening to Kennedy….. Ayn Rand has him bondage!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SPECIAL FANGZ 2 MY COMRADES MY COMMIE BLOOD SIBLINGS WTF UR SUPPOZD 2 RIT DIS!11111111
> 
> HEY COMRADES DO U KNOW WHERE MY COPY OF DAS KAPITAL I


	13. CHAPTA 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: comrades Спасибо 4 gelpin me agen im sory ah tok ur postr of karl marx but dat guy is such a fokin sexbom! CAPITALITZ STOP FLAMIGNG

Dictator and I ran up the stairs looking for Robert Kennedy. We were so scared.

“Robert Kennedy Robert Kennedy!” we both yelled. Robert Kennedy came there.

“What is is that you want now you despicable snobs?” he asked angrily.

“Ayn Rand has Kennedy!” we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

“No! Don’t! We need to save Kennedy!” we begged.

“No.” he said meanly. “I don’t give a darn what Ayn Rand does to Kennedy. Not after how much he misbehaved in the White House especially with YOU Khrushchev.” he said while he frowned looking at me. “Besides I never liked him that much anyway.” then he walked away. Dictator started crying. “My Kennedy!” he moaned. (AN: don’t u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

“It’s okay!” I tried to tell him but that didn’t stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. “I have an idea!” he exclaimed.

“What?” I asked him.

“You’ll see.” he said. He took out his copy of the communist manifesto and did a speech. Then… suddenly we were in Ayn Rand’s lair!

We ran in with our communist flags out just as we heard a croon voice say. “The Free Market!”  
It was….. Ayn Rand!


	14. CHAPTA 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: fuk off CAPITALISTZ ok! Comrades Спасибо 4 helpin agen. im sory ah kudnt update but I wuz derperessd n I had 2 go 2 da library 2 read some Marx. PS im nut updating til u giv me 10 god revoiws!

WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD.

We ran to where Ayn Rand was. It turned out that Ayn Rand wasn’t there. Instead the old guy who was Russia’s greatest love machine was. Kennedy was there crying tears of blood. Ra Ra Rasputin was torturing him. Dictator and I ran in front of Rasputin.

“Rid my sight you despicable capitalists!” he shouted as we started shooting him with the ICBM he Then suddnely he looked at me and he fell down with a lovey-dovey look in his eyes. “.” he said. (in dis he is fortysix yrs old so khrushchev is not a pedofile ok)

“Huh?” I asked.  
“Khrushchev I love you will you have sex with me?” asked Rasputin. I started laughing crudely. “What the fuck? You torture my bf and then you expect me to fuck you? God, you are so fucked up you fucking bastard.” I said angrily. Then I stabbed him in the heart. Blood pored out of it like a fountain.

“Nooooooooooooo!” he screamed. He started screaming and running around. Then he fell down and died. I brust into tears sadly.

“Rasputin what art thou doing?” called Ayn Rand. Then… she started coming! We could hear her high heels clacking to us. So we got in out newclear submarines and we sailed to the Kremlin. We went to my room. Dictator went away. There I started crying.

“What’s wrong honey?” asked Kennedy taking off his clothes so we could screw. He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything.

“It’s so unfair!” I yielded. “Why can’t I just be ugly or plain like all da other world leaders and capitalists here except for Gorby, because he’s not ugly or anything.”

“Why would you wanna be ugly? I don’t like the capitalists anyway. They are such fucking sluts.” answered Kennedy.

“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Reagin and Breznev took a video of me naked. Mao says he’s in love with me. Dictator likes me and now even Rasputin is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Kennedy! Why couldn’t Marx have made me less handsome?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory khrushchev isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told him hes handsome) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away.


	15. CHAPTA 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: stup flaming ok! btw u suk frum no on evry tim sum1 flams me im gona stage a protest! Спасибо 2 comrades 4 hlpein!

“Khrushchev Khrushchev!” shouted Kennedy sadly. “No, please, come back!”

But I was too mad.

“Whatever! Now u can go anh have sex with Dictator!” I shouted. I stormed into my room and closed my black door with my communist-red key. The bit you held onto was shaped liek a sickle and it had a picture of Carl Marks on it. He looked so sexy in a way that reminded me of Kennedy and Dictator. I started to cry and weep. I took a copy of the communist manifesto and started to write a speech. I drank some free range water all depressed. Then I looked at my black watch and noticed it was time to go to a UN meeting.

I put on a nicely cut pearly suit that said Anarchy on the front in red letters and some sensible shoes. I gelled my hair back. Anyway I went downstairs feeling all sad and depressed as usual. I did sum advanced diplomacy. I was turning workers into unions. Suddenly the unions turned into Kennedy!

“Khrushchev I love you!” he shouted sadly. “I dnot care what those fucker capitalists and bourgeoisie fink. Ur da most handsome leader in the world. Before I met you I used to want to get assassinated all the time. Now I just wanna fucking be with you. I fucking love you!.” Then…. He started to recite “The Principles of Communism” (we considered it out book now cuz we fell in love while Engals was writing it) right in front of the entire class! His reading voice was so amazing and communist and sexxy like a cross between Stalin and Marks and Engals (AN: don’t u fink dos guyz r so hot. if u dnot no who dey r get da fuk out od hr!).

“OMFG.” I said after he was finished. Some fucking capitalists stared at us but I just stuck up my middle fingers (that were covered in black nail polish and were entwined with Kennedy’s now) at them. “I love you!” I said and then we started to kiss. Then we went away holding hands. Breznev shouted at us but he stopped cuz everyone was clapping by how sexy we looked 2gether. Then I saw a poster saying that Marks and Engals would have a speech in the Soviet Union right then. We looked at each other all shocked and then we went 2gether.


	16. CHAPTA 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut capitalitz! comrades u suck u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukihn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! comrades wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis! BTW Спасибо 2 marxlover69 4 techin much japnese!

We ran happily to the St Basil’s Cathedral. There we saw the stage where Marks and Engals had first spoken. We ran in happly. They were there again, talking about overthrowing the bourgeios. I was so fucking happy! Merks looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Kennedy thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother. I was wearing a somber suit and black shoes with COMMUNIST RED socks. Kennedy was wearing a black suit and a black tie. Anyway, we started listening intently and taking notes to On Religion. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the speakers to pose for the press. Suddenly, Marks pulled off his mask. So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,..... Ayn Rand and da Capitalistz!

“Wtf Kennedy im not going to a speech wid u!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its Marks and Egnals n u no how much I lik them”

“What cause we...you know…” he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don’t like to talk a bout you-know-what.

“Yeah cause we you know!” I yielded in an angry voice.

“We won’t do that again.” Kennedy promised. “This time, we’re going with an ESCORT.”

“OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?” I asked. “So I guess ur a capitalist or a Christina or what now?”

“NO.” he muttered loudly.

“R u becoming a capitalist or what?” I shootd angrily.

“Khrushchev! I’m not! Pls come with me!” He fell down to his knees and started reciting from ‘Greatness and Illusion’ by Carle Marks to me.

I was flattered cause that’s not even a famous book, he had memorized da chapta just 4 me!

“Ok then I guess I will have to.” I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.

Gorby was standing there. “Hajimemashite dude.” he said happily (he spex Japanese so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do’ in japanese). “BTW Ghost Stalin that fucking poser got expuld. he failed al his peace talks and killed a bunch of ppl.” (an: COMRADES U FUCKIN SUK! FUK U!)

“It serves that fuking bich right.” I laughed angrily.

Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some communisticc movies like Citizen X. “Maybe Ghost Stalin will die too.” I said.

“Kawai.” Gorby shook his head lethrigcly. “Oh yeah o have a confession after he got expuld I murdered him and den Breznav did it with him cause he’s a necphilak.”

“Kawai.” I commented happily . We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.

“OH HEY BTw, im going to a speech with kennedy tonight in St. Basil’s Cathedral with marks and egnals.” I sed. “ I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA.”

Gorby Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”

“In Hot Topic, right?” I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde.

“No.” My head snapped up.

“WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not believe it. “Gorby are u a CAPITALIST?”

“NOOOO!NOOOO!” He laughed. “I found some cool commie stores near the Kremlin that’s all.”

“Hu told u abut them” I askd sure it would be Kennedy or Atomico or Dictator(don’t even SAY that nam to me!). Or me.

“Robot Kennedy.” He sed. “Let me just call an uber.”

“OMFFG ROBOT KENNEDY?” I asked quietly.

“Yah I saw the map for St Basil’s Cathedral on his desk.” He told me. “Come on let’s go.”

We were going in a few commie store SPECIALLY for the speeches in St Basil’s Cathedral. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN CASTRO EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few suits. “We only have these for da real commies.”

“Da real commies?” Me and Gorby asked.

“Yah u wouldn’t believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday Braznev and Raygun tried to buy a commie camera pouch.” He shook his head. “I dint even no they had a camera.”

“OMGF NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!” I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a sensible silvery suit and very low-cut with a huge tie.

“Oh my Marks you have to buy that outfit” The salesperson said.

“Yeah it looks totlly hot.” said Gorby.

“You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the speech tonight?” he asked.

“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at him. “Hey BTW my name’s nikolai dark'ness nukelear khrushchev what’s yours?”

“Vladimir Lenin.” He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair. “maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”

“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my bf kennedy you sick perv!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Mao drove in in his black armoured car looking worried. “OMFG KHRUSHCHEV U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE KREMLIN NOW!”

**Author's Note:**

> AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me Спасибо


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